I'm really not even sure how to start this post. I have started and stopped writing it several times and the emotions are so unbelievably raw that's it's almost unbearable to talk about it, but I know I need to. I know that one day I'll want to look back at this moment in our lives and know that The Lord has restored us from what we are now. I'm claiming that restoration now!
Our story started with a great surprise, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby and we hadn't even been intentional about trying....no medicine, no doctors, just a beautiful surprise. We couldn't believe it...it was so shocking, but we were so thankful. What seemed like a normal pregnancy ended so very quickly and so unfortunately in our 18th week.
Jason and I had the opportunity to travel to St. Louis for a St. Francis retreat the weekend of October 11th. What started off as a wonderful weekend full of lots of laughs, some great quality time for the two of us...ended really abruptly and without much warning at all. I woke up Sunday morning with some unusual, mild cramping. It wasn't anything horrible or even really uncomfortable, just a little worrisome. I had some dark spotting (which I knew was somewhat normal for me) and a little bit of back cramping too, which reminded me of my labor with Ansley (specifically when I was dilated to a 6 before an epidural). However, I quickly dismissed it because I thought maybe our late night eating on the rooftop of the hotel had led to some other reasons for cramping. I had no idea how our lives would change in that next hour. We headed down to the breakfast area and relaxed for about 20 minutes when I had the most unusual flip happen in my stomach. It was as if the baby had somersaulted in my womb and I hadn't really felt much of the baby up until the point. I turned to Jason and said "something is seriously wrong with the baby". As he was telling me to head upstairs, I was already at the door. I needed to go to the bathroom and I knew it wasn't going to be good. I can remember running into several people I knew with tears streaming down my face...I tried to be as cordial as possible, all the while knowing that something was dreadfully wrong. I was right. When I reached the room, I headed straight for the bathroom where I was losing bright red blood this time and lots of fluid. This time the tears turned into screams and within minutes Jason had arrived in the room. He saw that I was hysterical, so he immediately prayed with me and then called our friends the Ogburns, who had been on the trip with us. They hurried to our room where I was at this point lying on the bed screaming for God's help. We both were. Meredith and Alex immediately started praying and we were all huddled in the bed asking for The Lord's provision. After several prayers, Alex left the room to get ahold of our OBGYN who was also at the retreat with us. Unfortunately she had already left the hotel, but she instructed us to head to the hospital immediately. I remember saying to Meredith...the baby is not ok. And she said, do you KNOW that? And I knew, but I didn't want to speak it...fearing it would happen (as if God's plan hadn't already been laid out). At one point I remember Meredith asking me "so has the Holy Spirit told you?!" Yes. He had. It was that flip or somersault in my stomach at breakfast...I knew that was my goodbye. My mind knew it, but my heart didn't want to believe it. Jason was hurriedly gathering our clothes and things as I stood to go to the restroom one more time, I told Meredith..."I need to go back in the bathroom before we leave, but I'm so afraid to." Unfortunately the details of what happened next is too much for me to blog about but just know it was horrific and traumatic for all of us. And from that point on, the trip became a blur and I haven't completely been able to lift the fog since then unfortunately. I do know that in those crazy moments following....we cried out to God for a solid 20 minutes in that hotel room, pleading for His mercy. I remember my cries as I was holding tight to Jason...."You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful I know this full well!" Jason and I didn't let go of one another for that entire time. It was an embrace that I will never forget. We screamed, we questioned, we pleaded with God, but it was done. Just like that. I had delivered our precious 18 week old baby and it was intense. In that very second, our expectations and excitement for the arrival of our sweet baby were gone. There was such a broad range of emotions that completely consumed me in that moment. I was angry, heartbroken, confused, and empty all woven together in an awful mess. However, in the midst of this horrific storm as the weeping and grieving continued, I can remember in that very moment feeling a peace that was absolutely unexplainable. "I need you, God! Right now, I need you!". And then Jason sweetly whispered in my ear..."He's right here. He's right here with us." And He was. We both could feel it and we knew He had not forsaken us. It was as if He gently reminded me in that very moment that I...no one else...was entrusted to carry this baby for all his intended days here on the Earth, but now He needed him. As much as that truth was healing for me, I was still a mess and the trauma of it all was just too much. But even more than the trauma and grief of losing our baby, I ached to see the girls. I can remember my mind shifting directly to them even in the darkness of it all. How would we ever explain this to Ansley? Charli would not remember really, but Ansley.....my heart was hurting for her so intensely. She was so excited for this baby. She had prayed intently for this baby, asked about him daily, and told everyone we were having a boy (even though we didn't know). She couldn't wait to feel the baby kicking in the coming weeks and was so excited about our new baby adventure. As if losing the baby wasn't enough, there was this deep additional wound that I had never imagined would hurt so badly. But as bad as I hurt for her, she hurt for us. She knew we were so sad and her sensitive little spirit has been a light in this dark time. She has encouraged, loved, and hugged us through this. And little Charli has been the spunky smile that we've needed to get through these gloomy days also. Her contagious laugh and her soft kisses have been good for our souls. Lord, we do NOT take for granted the miracles you've already blessed us with. We ask that you overwhelm us with comfort in the coming months and years. We need you more than ever.
Jesus has our precious baby in His arms, surrounded by angels for a glorious sight there in Heaven. A sight that I cannot wait to one day behold. Our baby is whole, without impurities, AND he never had to experience sin or any other pain from this world. He actually had the best ride, a trip straight to Heaven.
Lord, how you know....we long to see his little face again.
Adler Augustus-October 13, 2013
Adler-means EAGLE.
Augustus-means GREAT and MAGNIFICIENT.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
When I am Faithless, You are Faithful.
2 Timothy 2:13
